Stella said daddy when you gonna put me in a song?

You may have noticed by now that all of my blog titles sound familiar… and you may not. If you do though, that means you are most likely a fan of Dave Matthews. And I purposefully pick lyrics – some popular, some not – from Dave Matthew’s songs that fit my post for the day… usually of course.

Sometimes I hear a particular Dave song on the radio and his lyrics speak to me and I have to blog about it.

And sometimes I start with an idea, something I want to say, and I go looking for the right lyrics in my vast Dave Matthews Band library.

And sometimes when I go looking, I end up blogging about something completely different… which I almost did today…

But back to topic.

Dave Matthews is very private about his home life but we do know that he has twin daughters, Stella and Grace. Grace was named after his sister who died before her namesake was born. Dave often sings about his sister and/or grace in the traditional meaning and his daughter Stella noticed.

So he wrote the song a couple years ago called Alligator Pie because his daughter “Stella said ‘daddy when you gonna put me in a song?'”.

Last night I had a similar experience with Dani.

She desperately wanted my attention but I was so involved in trying to put together my holiday cards that I was irritable with her and pushed her away. And I did this even knowing that because it was 2 days before Christmas, that the damn cards were not going to get there before Christmas anyway.

So, tonight I have to go home and apologize to my little girl. Because I never want her to think that I don’t have time for her and anything that she wants to share with me.

I always want her to know, at every possible minute of every possible day, that she is the most important anything in my life, she is my everything, and spending time with her is more important than anything else. Period.

And thus, I bid you all adieu and a Merry Christmas too (if you celebrate… if you don’t I wish you that as well) because this Christmas is all about Dani… as of midnight tonight, the cell phone will go off and the computer will go off until after Dani’s asleep Christmas night.

She deserves a day about her. Momma loves you Dani. Image

Happy Holidays to all!

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the dreaming tree has died

I apologize for disappearing these past couple of weeks, I know I promised to be more diligent about my blogging, and I still intend to be, but two weeks ago a very dear friend of mine was diagnosed with lung cancer.

At first, we thought hey, he can beat this, but in a matter of days his prognosis went from bad to dismal and his life expectancy from 2 months to maybe another week. Seeing my friend of 20 years that last night curled up in a ball on his bed, grasping my hand with what little strength he had left, begging to die was devastating.

This is a man who had been a rock for me over the last 20 years, he was there for me when no one else was and he never made me feel less adequate or at all inferior because several of our beliefs were not the same.

He was kind and compassionate, strong and silent, an avid learner, always pushing himself and me to learn as much about life and the universe as we possibly could.

He was funny and sensitive, intelligent beyond most, he loved to travel and see the world.

He didn’t really like people as a whole, he thought they were petty and selfish and acted entitled, but he was the most loyal and loving friend anyone could be blessed to have.

Lester – How do I find the words that can fully express my gratitude and love for the friendship you have given me over the last 20 years? There are no words really.

Both Dani and my lives were so much better for having known you and we will miss your presence deeply. You will live on in our hearts and our memories.

Always.

Rest in Peace my friend – Lester B. Reed – December 30, 1957 to December 14, 2013

Dani with her Uncle Lester
Dani with her Uncle Lester

tomorrow go back to being friends

A group of friends was discussing how supportive their long term mates have been and how lucky they were to have someone like their mates to grow old with.

I wish I could believe that a relationship like that was possible for me but I have so many trust issues with my heart that were intensified by having a child. Now not only do I have to worry about someone breaking my heart, I have to worry about someone breaking my daughter’s heart too. And his god better protect him if he does hurt my daughter because I will make sure he rues the day he met me.

And aside from countless men who have played with and stepped on my heart, the one man I finally did commit to died of a heart attack 3 weeks after proposing. So, I may be scarred for life.

BUT, no fear… I am actually very comfortable knowing that when I am in a sexual relationship that it isn’t forever… it is just for right now. And I have tons of really great friends (male and female) that I know will be companions for life.

And I have a life mate in a close platonic female friend (she knows everything about me) and when Dani graduates college (if she goes) I will be selling my house and moving to wherever this close friend of mine is because she is the one I want to grow old with.

So I sort of see this friend as you ladies seem to see your husbands (only maybe you have sex? lol).

And I know it is a tough concept but I don’t feel anymore that I have to love one person forever… I have loved many (men and women) and I will love many more.

But I don’t ever expect to marry until I am dying… and only because I don’t want my daughter to have to sign off on the DNR.

not enough, never too much

Again it has been months since my last blog, well other than the advent book calendar photo I posted last night here.

When I first started this blog I wanted to keep it just about my mommy side and leave all the other sides of me out, like relationships and work, but I am finding that isn’t easy to do.  Mainly because I am not just all the different parts of me separately – I am the sum of all those parts together.

So I can’t just blog about those parts separate when the whole of me is what makes me who I am.

I am not just a mom.

I am not just a lover.

I am not just a friend.

I am not just a writer.

I am not just anything…

I am all.

And thus, I have decided to blog here about something that I have been fighting with my whole life – this neat little box that society seems to want to force all women into.

You see, I don’t fit in that box.

I am not soft-spoken.

I almost never wear makeup nor high heels.

I hate pantyhose and will only wear pants in cold weather.

I like sci-fi, action, and thriller movies and not usually dramas.

I like to smoke a cigar every once in a while, especially during a hurricane or a blues festival.

And I am tired of pretending that there is a little shred of me that fits society’s definition of what is appropriate for women because there really isn’t. I won’t be forced into one of those neat little compartments.

All women are different.

All women are people.

And just like men, we have desires and dreams and needs.

Women can’t be sorted and grouped into “Good Women” and “Bad Women”.

We are ALL women regardless of how we dress, what we do with our time, and who we love.

So, in honor of my new found outlook on life I have created the following affirmations. And I will repeat them every day, several times a day, until they are ingrained in my very nature.

Because I deserve to be the person I am.

And I am not concerned at all by what others think of this.

It Is Okay

It is okay if I am not married. And it is okay if I am.
It is okay if I don’t want to get married. And it is okay if I do.
It is okay if I have a child and I am not married. And it is okay if I have a child and I am married.
And it is also okay if I am married and don’t have a child.
And it is also okay if I don’t want to have a child.
It is okay if I like to have sex. And it is okay if I don’t.
It is okay if I have multiple partners. And it is okay if I have only one.
And it is also okay if I have none.
It is okay if I love men. And it is okay if I love women.
And it is also okay if I love both.
And it is also okay if I love transgenders.
It is okay if I don’t wear make-up. And it is okay if I do.
It is okay if I don’t wear pink or frilly clothes. And it is okay if I do.
It is okay if I don’t feel like smiling. And it is okay if I do.

It is okay to be whoever I am because I am awesome just being me.

Dani’s Advent Calendar

image

Dani’s “advent” calendar. It is a stack of  21 “mostly christmas but some winter themed” books… one for every day until christmas eve eve and two have already been opened since it is Dec 2. I have a separate surprise (that includes a book) for christmas eve for her to open but it isn’t wrapped or completely purchased yet. I will post a pic of that when it is all together.