With Every Goodbye I Learn…

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Once again I find myself starting over.

It’s almost cathartic in the sense that I always come out stronger, but I’ve never been good at handling heart break… I tend to bury the pain and sadness in anger and hate.

Something I need to work on I guess.

The first time I read this poem, After A While from Veronica Shoffstall, I was in my first semester of college. It was the first time I’d been away from home for more than a week and it was very scary. I made some amazing friends, one of whom I still am in contact with, and I learned a few lessons, some of which I’ve had to learn a few times.

This time I think I’ve finally learned that it’s just me. I’m the only one I have to depend on. Just me.

It’s a scary thought, especially since I have a four year old, but now that I’ve finally realized that there will never be anyone to walk down this path with me, that there will never be another human being I can fully trust… well, now I can move forward and take my destiny into my own hands and build my life around that.

It still hurts though. And it will for a while.

I envy my four year old because she’ll forget about this last year by the end of the next one… but I never will. I trusted and this time it was worse because I involved my daughter.

Time to move on I guess.

With every goodbye I learn…

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One thought on “With Every Goodbye I Learn…

  1. It was a very important life lesson, perhaps one that was meant to make you stronger. Although you are one of the strongest women I know. But it is very hard to trust someone fully with your child. And that was something that was very hard for me to learn this time around. His own parent broke his heart and I mean shattered it before we left….but then, into our lives and hearts walked “The Deacon” (as he calls himself from time to time…lol) who took the time and patience that we both needed to show us that we could trust him. He took time out to take my kidling everywhere and they did things together that they both liked…breaking bottles with slingshots…causing mass destruction and a trail of stink bombs wherever they went and they bonded, tightly. My child finally knew what it was like to have 2 parents that will always catch him when he falls. And we will catch him when he is trying to be sneaky or telling stories too. It took me almost 17 years to completely learn that the one person I thought I could trust, the one that I handed my heart over to only to watch him crush it over and over…. never deserved the love I had for him. He didn’t deserve any of the pleasure he got by abandoning us…but most especially my son, week after week and just barely skate by on taking care of my child’s most basic of needs like he promised he would do once I was diagnosed as disabled and was no longer able to work. And even then he failed greatly at some of that. You learned quickly, my dear friend. And you are smart enough to not stand for it. It’s a very hard lesson for sure and it will hurt. But ask yourself if you are truly broken up inside over losing that person…or the dream of what that person could have been…or perhaps it was just the realization that he will never be what you might of thought he was in your heart/dreams? Sometimes I think it makes it a little easier when we realize what it is that truly bothers us about a breakup. You gave it your all and you know it, I know it as do many others. You moved across country and shared the love you have with your child with someone else….that just didn’t “get it” and probably never will. Just look at it as being freed up for another, more interesting opportunity with someone that might just be capable of “getting it”and loving every minute of being with/around the both of you. ❤ Keep looking, B! We all have that "Deacon" out there that's looking for us too….feeling lost because he hasn't found you yet either. Oh and The Deacon loves you both so much that he is willing to spare a rear molar and a live hair follicle in case you wanted to make a Deacon of your own. heehee. So much love to you.

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