A Vicious Cycle

Today, I woke up with a migraine.

Then I took my prescribed pills on an empty stomach.

Then I took my daughter to Toddler Time at the local inflatables park.

And, guess what? I still forgot to eat.

AND… there was nothing at the inflatable park for me to eat that didn’t have dairy. 😦

Now, if I hadn’t given up dairy this morning it would have been fine. Dairy milk always quieted the heart burn that I get from taking my medications.

But dairy milk also bloats me almost immediately and causes both eczema and breakouts. Which is why I decided to eliminate it from my diet this morning.

So, I’ve spent most of the day reading labels and avoiding dairy. And trying not to cry because my stomach hurt.

You see, I have a bad stomach that is probably full of ulcers due to the 8-11 prescribed pills I have to take every day.

One of those is supposed to be prilosec,  to eliminate the heartburn and protect my stomach from all the other pills.

Unfortunately, prilosec is $56 a month since I don’t have insurance currently.

Now all the medications that cause the holes in my stomach are  $4-$10 a month, without insurance.

It’s a vicious cycle.

Fuck Big Pharma.



pattering on the roof, on the
deck, on my head.
Thunder, off in the
distance. A storm is
brewing, but there is
no more, to be
afraid of. No more.
A star glistens in the
distance, ever so lightly,
flickering. But her strength

Sad… but True

I knew the attacks would come… for standing with Amber.

I didn’t, however, expect that the most adamant and intelligent rebuttals would come from women. And from women who had been in similar situations.

But that just tells me how strongly embedded patriarchy is in our system.

Women are beaten, raped, and mentally tormented into submission… yet they should automatically go to the police? Because that’s the only way?

Unfortunately, the law enforcement industry has been 75% or more men (http://www.bjs.gov/index.cfm?ty=pbdetail&iid=2274). Yes, I know these stats are from 2008, but things haven’t changed much in the last 8 years.

On top of that, police officers have often victim blamed on these situations BECAUSE THEY ARE REQUIRED TO DO SO UNDER LAW.

Things like this make it exceptionally difficult for a woman, or man, who has been raped and/or abused to come forward. These individuals were traumatized in the situation and then made to feel like a criminal themselves because they wanted the abuse to stop.

I will always stand on the side of the victim. Always. Regardless of gender.

But, the thing is, women didn’t get the right to vote in this country until 100 years ago. And when I was born, on 1972, women were still considered the property of their husbands.

All women want is to be treated equally under the eyes of the law. But the law has never been set up to protect women, it was always about the men.

Yes, in most cases, innocent until proven guilty works… but when it hinders the ability of law enforcement to protect and serve, some crimes are, indeed, a little more heinous.

Yes, women are human beings.

And, think what you want, but #IStandWithAmber


Okay, so, yes, I loved Johnny Depp, too. He is an amazing actor.

I’m going to repeat that.

He is an amazing actor.

One of the best. I’ve always watched his movies and adored him from afar.

But, he is an amazing actor.

When I first heard the story about #AmberHeard yesterday, I was in shock. I too said,  “Wow. No way. It can’t be true. Johnny is such a great guy.”

Then I remembered that lots of people said that about most of my abusers as well. And I started thinking.

I thought about how hard it was to come clean about my abusive relationships in the past… especially since I’m supposed to be this badass feminist and all.

I’ve been abused, I have had friends who were abused, I know a lot about abuse and the justification you make for it that allows you to stay.

He was drunk.

He’s usually so sweet to me.

I don’t have anywhere to go.

He didn’t mean it.

He loves me.

Amber, I don’t know if you’ll ever read this, but I just want you to know…


Normal is Only a Setting on the Washing Machine

Aunt Frances Owens: “My darling girl, when are you going to realize that being normal is not necessarily a virtue? It rather denotes a lack of courage!”

On our adventure across country, Dani and I stopped in Normal, Illinois. It looked quiet from a distance, but the closer we got, the more chaotic and noisy it was.

And I’m not just talking about the noise you hear, but also the noise you see and feel.

When you’ve spent a year in the Midwest… where you can leave your front doors and your cars unlocked and where you can leave your outgoing packages by the mailbox… and no one steals anything… it’s a huge culture shock driving across the Iowa/Illinois border.

For the days preceding that cross of the boarder, Dani and I had traveled through beautiful country side, on a fairly straight two lane highway. In fact we hadn’t seen a high-rise in over 13 months, when we left Baltimore.

And the traffic along those highways was minimal.

It’s difficult to explain the feeling of panic that hit me when, just after the speed limit dropped from 85 to 65 immediately, I saw the cloverleaf highway patterns full of vehicles with towering buildings behind them.

That was the moment I realized I am not a city dweller.

There’s nothing more eye opening than coming from a quiet part of the country where people are friendly and helpful and entering a state where we only met 3 kind people (all minorities, the Caucasians were the nastiest of the bunch) and realizing that things were getting ready to change and you weren’t ready for them to.

I miss my life in the Midwest. I’ll never go back to Montana again, but there’s definitely something different out there from the east coast. If you haven’t been, don’t try to tell me that the bad stuff that happens here happens all over because it doesn’t.

People are different here. You can pass a hundred people in the street and not one will make eye contact.

Out there, you probably won’t pass a hundred people in the street in a day, but I’ll guarantee that if you did most of them would make eye contact and many would smile.