I woke up this morning in the middle of a full-fledged panic attack. For those of you who have had one of these, I completely empathize… for those who haven’t, I’ll try to explain.
My brain wouldn’t stop with the guilt, no matter how hard I tried to think about all the really good things I’ve done lately. It just spins and spins… “you can’t do this”, “you’re not good enough”, ” you’re a terrible mother”, “you’re never going to get caught up on your bills”, “you’d be better off in a mental institution where you don’t have to pretend to be normal, to pretend to be like everyone else”.
These thoughts just toss and turn in my head until my stomach is in knots… tied up and twisted… and I just want to stick my finger down my throat to make the crazy, toxic feelings all expel from my body. But it doesn’t work. It’s not like a normal tummy ache.
My hands shake, my knees are weak, I have trouble walking. I can’t breathe because my chest feels like it’s in a vice grip. My mind is constantly chained to the guilt in my head.
I can’t concentrate on anything except the guilt. My ears are deaf and my eyes are blind to anything and every thing except the massive circular reference doing somersaults in my brain.
And over again…