I still remember you…
Dennis A. Cross (02/14/1971-01/09/2006)
So, if I had to describe how screening guy’s messages today in my online dating apps went – it went something like this…
No fucking way.
Oh My Fucking God!
The last one being over a message that I received from my deceased ex-fiance’s step-daughter’s sexual predator. Yes, I know that is a mouthful… all you have to take out if this is… HE’S A FUCKING CHILD MOLESTER!!!
Thankfully I knew who he was because his message to me was very literate and detailed, unlike most messages that I receive from men. His photos were not terrible, a good personality could cancel out any minor hesitations I might have had. This is the guy I would have responded to.
Nope. That’s it. I’m scared off dating for a good, long while…
“I’m toxic.” He said and with a downward glance he kicked at a stone that was next to his foot.
It made a clicking sound as it bounced off the rocks in its path away from the figure that had jostled it from sweet slumber.
“I’ve fucked up every relationship I’ve been in.” He continued, still staring at the toe of his shoe as he dug it relentlessly into the sand. “You’re better off with out me.”
“That isn’t your decision to make.” I replied, my fingers twisting together as I struggled to get the words out. “You’re assuming that I’m not smart enough to take care of myself.”
A tiny spark of anger ignited somewhere beyond the grasp of my non-medical brain as I realized, once again, my own ability to protect myself from life was being brought into question. Sometimes it sucked being a female. (Mostly, it didn’t though.)
His eyes darted back and forth between the top of my curly brown hair to the now, notably, brown toe of his shoe as he repeated once again, “I’m sorry. I’m messed up. You’re really better off without me.”
One thing that I can say I’ve carried with me from all of my significant romantic relationships, bad or good, is music. My entire life has been infused with music and it’s only fitting that my romantic relationships were also. From Foo Fighters and Gillian Flynn to Dave Matthews and The Head in the Heart, I’ve walked away from every relationship with a new musical love.
Music soothes my pain and eases my loss as well as elevating the happiness and fondness that I felt with and for someone.
Eventually though, the bad memories start to slip away and are replaced by a sense of comfort and peace. And eventually, I am able to step beyond the anger and grief to find a simple pleasure in remembering what was… remembering the parts of the relationship that made me smile. That still, occasionally, make me smile. These are the parts, the times, that I want to remember.
Music is healing and encompassing. It breaks down barriers and comforts fears. It is what binds us as inhabitants (not just humans, all life forms enjoy music) of this beautiful planet Earth that we live on.
Music is Life… And Love.
So just for a moment… let’s be still…
Guess where Thanksgiving dinner is again this year.
I’m pretty certain I got how my family feels about me exactly right…