Mawage

So, I got on the metro this morning and ran into a guy I met for coffee a couple months ago… who told me at the time that he was not married…

Guess who was wearing a wedding band this morning… 

Hint: Not me… 😂

I mean, I guess he could have gotten married in the last couple months, but my experiences with men this past year tells me he was probably married and cheating or he would have, AT LEAST, not lied about his relationship status to me…

And you wonder why I’ll never marry?!?

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Boxes

My whole life has been placed into boxes. Not necessarily by me… or by ONLY me… but neat little “can’t stray from the norm, don’t let them see you not be the pretty princess” boxes.

But I’m not a pretty princess. 

I never have been. 

I’m a “fucking drop dead gorgeous when I want to be and still stunning in my own beautiful way even when I’m not trying to be” woman, but I’ve never been a pretty princess… not to anyone except my father that is. 

And I’ve definitely never fit into anyone’s neat and tidy little boxes. Ever. I’m a mess. Completely. I always have been. 

I embrace it most of the time. But I didn’t always. 

Over the last few years, mostly because I’m trying to figure out what kind of mom I want to be, I’ve started unpacking those boxes… oh who am I kidding… I started throwing that shit out of those boxes left and right. All over the fucking place. 

Some of you know this because you’ve been here… Lol

Anyway, things have settled down mostly… kind of… as much as they can when you have an active 6 year old… so now I’m “unpacking” one last box… My relationship box. 

Over the last three months I’ve opened my mind a bit more and have allowed my relationships to become what they would become naturally, instead of trying to force them into these neat and tidy little boxes… and I have some amazing people in my life right now. They all fulfill a certain need I have whether it’s my geeky boyfriend who takes me to see Wonder Woman or my music buff FWB who listens to Dave Matthews under the stars with me. But none of them have to give more than they want to give me. And, of course, they all know about each other… or that there are others anyway. 

I expect nothing and gain everything. 

It’s refreshing. 

Crazy Beautiful

… a term I’ve heard that’s been used to describe me. 

I have no concept of my own looks in the eyes of others although I do find beauty when I look in the mirror.  My only long term girlfriend once looked at me and said “You have no idea how beautiful you are, do you?” And, she was probably just in love, but she was also right. I have no clue. 

Guys never called me beautiful. I was cute… or, omg, fuck-able.

Because that’s what a girl wants to hear, right?!?!

Anyway, I know I’m fuck-able. And cute. And innately beautiful in a non-barbie kind of way. And… incredibly smart, too.

Well, about some things. I ran over my bare foot with the weed whacker two weeks ago. And my finger tips are smooth from all the dishes I’ve grabbed out of the oven with out mitts.

Anyway. 

Crazy Beautiful. 

There’s a reason I’m crazy. Especially about relationships. I watched the only man who has ever really loved me, die suddenly. 

It’s traumatic to say the least, and maybe it doesn’t excuse the callous way I treat men but the pain is truly unbearable. I’ve never gotten over it. 

Maybe I never will. 

I know now that I start throwing bricks on my figurative wall as soon as I start liking a guy. And then the first time they screw up, even if it’s something really trivial and stupid, I start flinging those bricks up on that wall as fast as my 44 year old arms will go. 

And I intuitively know exactly what will drive that romantic relationship into the dust, and I do it. 

I can’t stop it once it starts. 

It’s an unending panic attack until I either pass out from exhaustion or we somehow work it out. But if we work it out, it usually just starts the vicious cycle over again. 

I’m broken. 

It sucks. 

Trouble Ahead, Trouble Behind

… And you know that notion, just crossed my mind. (Casey Jones, GD)

I’ve been listening to the Dead for years and, almost 30 years later, I still remember the very first Grateful Dead song I heard.

I was at a local pool hall that served beer and allowed cute young girls to hang out and shoot pool as long as they stayed away from the bartenders. Which I did, mostly… 

Anyway, Casey Jones came across the loud speaker and I was entranced. Completely. I couldn’t move. 

My body was twisted tightly into the melodic jam of a band that I’d never heard before, but one I’d grown to love by the end of that song. 

I truly believe that there are two universal languages that cross all other language and cultural boundaries here on Earth… math and music. With music having the most enjoyable and deepest impact on most human beings… of course. 

I’ve recently met a man who is attentive and responsive and loves telling me how gorgeous I am, almost daily, and loves not only taking me out but making certain that when we stay in that it is still a date with some nice food and drink, some wonderful chats and massages, and just all around attentiveness.

When he comes over, it’s a stay home date not just a booty call. 

He is not poly, but loves that I am. He is very supportive and not at all jealous. He is not ready for a longterm commitment and in fact, was not even dating, until he met me. 

Or until I introduced myself anyway. 

I broke my rule of never saying hi first because there was just “something” about him. And I’m so glad I did. 

He communicates with me. He doesn’t lie or with hold his thoughts and feelings because he thinks I’m a fragile piece of glass that needs to be protected. He doesn’t avoid important conversations because he’s too much of a coward to tell me the truth. 

It’s very refreshing. Especially with what I’ve dealt with the last two months from men. They either show apathy or ownership. It’s nice to date someone who respects me… finally. 

So these are the new dating rules I’ve incorporated into my life… with his support and help, btw. 😉 

1. Must love music (except rap, it’s all degrading to women especially Christian Rap). I react especially favorable to gifts of music… personalized mixed tapes in particular. 

2. Must love animals, come on, unless you’re severely allergic, you better have a pet or I won’t date you. 

3. Must read. Something. I don’t care what you read, but there better be a few favorites you can tell me about when I ask. 

4. I won’t make the mistake of introducing anyone other than a committed partner/boyfriend to my daughter ever again. You don’t get the chance to break her heart. 

4. Must not break more dates than you show up for, especially booty calls. I have a black book full of men who have given me amazing orgasms so I’ll definitely call one of them next time if your lack of skills in the female orgasm or your constant breaking of dates leaves me dissatisfied. Only my boyfriend gets a second chance.  

And, now it’s time for a little GD…