Crazy Beautiful

… a term I’ve heard that’s been used to describe me. 

I have no concept of my own looks in the eyes of others although I do find beauty when I look in the mirror.  My only long term girlfriend once looked at me and said “You have no idea how beautiful you are, do you?” And, she was probably just in love, but she was also right. I have no clue. 

Guys never called me beautiful. I was cute… or, omg, fuck-able.

Because that’s what a girl wants to hear, right?!?!

Anyway, I know I’m fuck-able. And cute. And innately beautiful in a non-barbie kind of way. And… incredibly smart, too.

Well, about some things. I ran over my bare foot with the weed whacker two weeks ago. And my finger tips are smooth from all the dishes I’ve grabbed out of the oven with out mitts.

Anyway. 

Crazy Beautiful. 

There’s a reason I’m crazy. Especially about relationships. I watched the only man who has ever really loved me, die suddenly. 

It’s traumatic to say the least, and maybe it doesn’t excuse the callous way I treat men but the pain is truly unbearable. I’ve never gotten over it. 

Maybe I never will. 

I know now that I start throwing bricks on my figurative wall as soon as I start liking a guy. And then the first time they screw up, even if it’s something really trivial and stupid, I start flinging those bricks up on that wall as fast as my 44 year old arms will go. 

And I intuitively know exactly what will drive that romantic relationship into the dust, and I do it. 

I can’t stop it once it starts. 

It’s an unending panic attack until I either pass out from exhaustion or we somehow work it out. But if we work it out, it usually just starts the vicious cycle over again. 

I’m broken. 

It sucks. 

Promises

I know I promised you some juicy dating stories but tonight’s story is really about something I’ve only just realized about myself. 

I suck at communication with human beings. 

Seriously. I’m terrible at it.

So many times, things I say are misinterpreted and, especially my texts, leave the reciprocant in a quandary as to what I meant. And if I don’t add a smile, I get called bitchy. 

I’m quite proficient at communicating with computers, though… they’re really very simple in the fact that they only understand two things… OFF and ON. 

And that’s really kind of how my brain works too. 

The signal is either OFF or ON. When it’s between, or not specifically OFF or ON, my brain enters flight or fight mode and, much like a computer, starts sending inappropriate messages and erroring out.

Maybe it’s a personality disorder. Maybe it’s the PMDD, PTSD, and OCD. Maybe my brain only understands clear messages and not mixed ones. 

It sends my brain into emotional turmoil that is like a boulder traveling at massive speeds down an alpine slope only to crash and explode into millions of tiny pieces as it slams against a tree… unable to put itself back again. 

Full of unstoppable anxiety that usually ends in a full fledged panic attack. 

Either way… I truly suck at communication with human beings. Almost all of them. 

My real friends understand that I’m sick. And that I have almost no social skills. 

And that anytime I’m not at home, or in a couple of close friend’s houses, I’m experiencing anxiety. Sometimes debilitating. 

And I’m sorry to all I’ve afflicted. 

Letting Go

Another important aspect to recognize about letting go is that it’s not the same as forgiving someone who has wronged you. Forgiveness is an important aspect of wholehearted living, and it’s separate from letting go of attachments that keep you from becoming the incredible individual the world needs you to be.”

https://tinybuddha.com/blog/how-to-move-on-from-the-past-what-it-really-means-to-let-go/

My Biggest Obstacle in Life

The biggest obstacle in my life is my 24/7 debilitating anxiety… my second biggest obstacle?  The depression that follows close on the anxiety’s heels.  

I am barely hanging on today… please send lots of virtual hugs and healing energy… all I want to do is curl up in a ball and cry…

11 Things Others Don’t Realize You Are Doing Because Of Your High Functioning Anxiety

http://curiousmindmagazine.com/11-things-anxious-person-understand/