Right-wing Women

“Right – wing women have surveyed the world: they find it a dangerous place. They see that work subjects them to more danger from more men; it increases the risk of sexual exploitation. They see that creativity and originality in their kind are ridiculed; they see women thrown out of the circle of male civilization for having ideas, plans, visions, ambitions. They see that traditional marriage means selling to one man, not hundreds: the better deal. They see that the streets are cold, and that the women on them are tired, sick, and bruised. They see that the money they can earn will not make them independent of men and that they will still have to play the sex games of their kind: at home and at work too. They see no way to make their bodies authentically their own and to survive in the world of men. They know too that the Left has nothing better to offer: leftist men also want wives and whores; leftist man value whores too much and wives too little. Right – wing women are not wrong. They fear that the Left, in stressing impersonal sex and promiscuity as values, will make them more vulnerable to male sexual aggression, and that they will be despised for not liking it. They are not wrong. Right – wing women see that within the system in which they live they cannot make their bodies their own, but they can agree to privatized male ownership: keep it one-on-one, as it were. They know that they are valued for their sex – their sex organs and their reproductive capacity – and so they try to up their value: through cooperation, manipulation, conformity; through displays of affection or attempts at friendship; through submission and obedience; and especially through the use of euphemism – “femininity,” “total woman,” “good,” “maternal instinct,” “motherly love.” Their desperation is quiet; they hide their bruises of body and heart; they dress carefully and have good manners; they suffer, they love God, they follow the rules. They see that intelligence displayed in a woman is a flaw, that intelligence realized in a woman is a crime. They see the world they live in and they are not wrong. They use sex and babies to stay valuable because they need a home, food, clothing. They use the traditional intelligence of the female – animal, not human: they do what they have to to survive.”

— from “Right-Wing Women by Andrea Dworkin

It is NOT OK anymore!

When I was in high school, a teacher at my school asked me to babysit his daughter. When I got there, his wife was out and the baby was asleep, so he raped me instead.

I told one person. My best friend of the time. 

I thought it was OK at the time. And so did she.

And 4 years later I accidentally slipped to the nurse at my doctor’s office about it.

I spent the next 45 minutes begging to leave because they were trying to convince me to give up the guy’s name.

Because even then, some one knew it was NOT OK.

Now I do, too.

I have to spend the rest of my life knowing that he did this to at least one other girl after me. (I heard through the “grapevine” anyway.) Someone that I should have protected from this predator. 

I fucked up.

If it’s you that’s reading this, one of his other victims, I am so sorry. More sorry than I have ever been. I have no other words than that… except, I believe you. 

Even though none of this is in any way my fault… I still feel tremendous guilt for all the others.

AND… THIS is WHY it’s NOT OK anymore.

Yes, I’ve had a lot of shitty stuff happen to me in my life… the thing is though, so has almost every other woman.

This is a way of life for us.

We are made to feel shameful because of things that happen to us NOT because there are very bad men out there but BECAUSE there are several million men out there who think that what they are doing is OK. And it’s not always their fault… Society programs us ALL to think what they’re doing is OK.

But I’m here to tell you that it is not OK.

It is NOT OK anymore.

In Limbo

A week or so ago, I received a series of suicidal texts from an ex at 2 am.
So I called him because, as much as I dislike him right now, I still love him and I don’t wish him dead… just out of my life.

Anyway, I called him… and he was drunk. The first couple hours was him crying about how isolated and alone he is and how he thinks he is depressed.

Well… he probably is. Massive amounts of beer and alcohol over the years can do that to you. It’s one thing to have a drink or two a few nights a week… it’s a completely different thing to have a case or two a few nights a week.

I felt sorry for him. I still love him so it’s hard to not care. And I’m the type of person who would drop everything if I came across a STRANGER in the same condition, so of course I called him.

I don’t even think he realizes what he’s become… what he was even before Dani and I moved to Montana. If I’d known of this, I never would have moved. I’m not much of a drinker… a good Margarita will put me under the table… and ALL of the heavy drinkers that I’ve dated in my life have been abusive. There would have been a huge, red flag waving around in my head… “DON’T GO!!”…

Now, I’ve been under a doctor’s care for anxiety and depression for 14 years… and the first thing my doctor said to me was you need to stop drinking. Not that I was drinking much back then… a couple drinks, a couple times a month… but she wanted me to know just how negatively  a depressant, like alcohol, affected a person like me, with chronic depression and anxiety.

So I KNOW that depression and alcohol are not a good mix. I KNOW that alcohol is a depressant and thus works exactly opposite of an anti-depressent. And I KNOW that alcohol and my body don’t mix well… kind of like dairy milk and my body… only much more damaging.

I hope he gets help. I really do. He’s a great guy when he is not drinking and spending 2-3 days afterwards in bed because he’s hung over.

Guess how he spent Christmas day? :/

Sigh.

And, just so you know, I’ll keep blogging here… because no man will ever silence me.

Never.

 

#takingbackmypower

A Sleeping Person Cannot Consent

Remember that time you shot your “load” all over my back when you thought I was sleeping?

Do you even realize that was the last time I slept in your bed?

I can’t consent if I’m sleeping. Which is what you thought.

That I was sleeping.

And I can still hear your grunting in my head.

#takingbackmypower

Taking Back My Power

Things did not “just not work out” as you so eloquently said… You were a drunk who was physically, mentally, and verbally abusive to me. And until you own that shit, I don’t want to know you. Send the box, or don’t. I’m not interested in “this” anymore.

#takingbackmypower

Sad… but True

I knew the attacks would come… for standing with Amber.

I didn’t, however, expect that the most adamant and intelligent rebuttals would come from women. And from women who had been in similar situations.

But that just tells me how strongly embedded patriarchy is in our system.

Women are beaten, raped, and mentally tormented into submission… yet they should automatically go to the police? Because that’s the only way?

Unfortunately, the law enforcement industry has been 75% or more men (http://www.bjs.gov/index.cfm?ty=pbdetail&iid=2274). Yes, I know these stats are from 2008, but things haven’t changed much in the last 8 years.

On top of that, police officers have often victim blamed on these situations BECAUSE THEY ARE REQUIRED TO DO SO UNDER LAW.

Things like this make it exceptionally difficult for a woman, or man, who has been raped and/or abused to come forward. These individuals were traumatized in the situation and then made to feel like a criminal themselves because they wanted the abuse to stop.

I will always stand on the side of the victim. Always. Regardless of gender.

But, the thing is, women didn’t get the right to vote in this country until 100 years ago. And when I was born, on 1972, women were still considered the property of their husbands.

All women want is to be treated equally under the eyes of the law. But the law has never been set up to protect women, it was always about the men.

Yes, in most cases, innocent until proven guilty works… but when it hinders the ability of law enforcement to protect and serve, some crimes are, indeed, a little more heinous.

Yes, women are human beings.

And, think what you want, but #IStandWithAmber