Let’s Be Still

One thing that I can say I’ve carried with me from all of my significant romantic relationships, bad or good, is music. My entire life has been infused with music and it’s only fitting that my romantic relationships were also. From Foo Fighters and Gillian Flynn to Dave Matthews and The Head in the Heart, I’ve walked away from every relationship with a new musical love.

Music soothes my pain and eases my loss as well as elevating the happiness and fondness that I felt with and for someone.

Eventually though, the bad memories start to slip away and are replaced by a sense of comfort and peace. And eventually, I am able to step beyond the anger and grief to find a simple pleasure in remembering what was… remembering the parts of the relationship that made me smile. That still, occasionally, make me smile. These are the parts, the times, that I want to remember.

Music is healing and encompassing. It breaks down barriers and comforts fears. It is what binds us as inhabitants (not just humans, all life forms enjoy music) of this beautiful planet Earth that we live on.

Music is Life… And Love.

So just for a moment… let’s be still…


I will find my own way out…

Sunday I saw my first Dave & Tim show… the Dave Matthews fans out there know what a treat that is, especially in a year that the full band is not touring. 

I’ve downloaded, and purchased, several live shows of Dave Matthews playing with Tim Reynolds so I knew it would be a bit milder than the 13 DMB concerts (yes, I realize that’s nothing to a true fan) that I’ve seen but it was really more than I expected. 

At a DMB concert I get lost in the music… There is absolutely nothing like it to me. 

I don’t know if it’s because Dave’s gotten me through so many difficult times in my life… or so many happy ones. My best memories are associated with Dave Matthews songs as are all my major relationships over the last 15 years… the one who died… the rebound man… the man who gave me my daughter… the man who tried to be a father to my daughter and failed… the man who tried to be my friend but I wouldn’t trust him… 

So many memories… so much time… so melodic a life…

Dave really is writing the soundtrack to my life. I’ve often felt connected to his music, both his words and melodies. Grey St and 41 and Dancing Nancies in particular…

“All the colors mix to grey…” 

and “I’ll go in this way and find my own way out…” 

and “Could I have been anyone other than me?”

When Leroy died and the band came out with the tribute album… and I listened to Dave put into words the grief and sadness he felt over his friend and mentor’s accidental death, I finally felt someone understood me. Not just about Dennis but about all the things I’ve lost of myself due to circumstances and coincidences of life. 

So last Sunday was magical. And more powerful than I expected of a Dave & Tim show especially with the line up of special guests who joined them on stage including Ben the Sax Guy… who held his own little concert after the show as concert goers walked to their cars and ubers.

I danced for almost three hours, barefoot in the grass, eyes closed, enjoying the sounds and smells so prominent when you are at a Dave concert… feeling the aches and pains that often accompany a night of unabashed abandon both in dancing and walking… the old friends you go with and the new friends you meet… it was, is, and will always be a spiritual mecca for me… 

For I will go in this way and find my own way out… always…

Set list from the show 😉

Trouble Ahead, Trouble Behind

… And you know that notion, just crossed my mind. (Casey Jones, GD)

I’ve been listening to the Dead for years and, almost 30 years later, I still remember the very first Grateful Dead song I heard.

I was at a local pool hall that served beer and allowed cute young girls to hang out and shoot pool as long as they stayed away from the bartenders. Which I did, mostly…

Anyway, Casey Jones came across the loud speaker and I was entranced. Completely. I couldn’t move.

My body was twisted tightly into the melodic jam of a band that I’d never heard before, but one I’d grown to love by the end of that song.

I truly believe that there are two universal languages that cross all other language and cultural boundaries here on Earth… math and music. With music having the most enjoyable and deepest impact on most human beings… of course.

I’ve recently met a man who is attentive and responsive and loves telling me how gorgeous I am, almost daily, and loves not only taking me out but making certain that when we stay in that it is still a date with some nice food and drink, some wonderful chats and massages, and just all around attentiveness.

When he comes over, it’s a stay home date not just a booty call.

He is not poly, but loves that I am. He is very supportive and not at all jealous. He is not ready for a longterm commitment and in fact, was not even dating, until he met me.

Or until I introduced myself anyway.

I broke my rule of never saying hi first because there was just “something” about him. And I’m so glad I did.

He communicates with me. He doesn’t lie or with hold his thoughts and feelings because he thinks I’m a fragile piece of glass that needs to be protected. He doesn’t avoid important conversations because he’s too much of a coward to tell me the truth.

It’s very refreshing. Especially with what I’ve dealt with the last two months from men. They either show apathy or ownership. It’s nice to date someone who respects me… finally.

So these are the new dating rules I’ve incorporated into my life… with his support and help, btw. 😉

1. Must love music (except rap, it’s all degrading to women especially Christian Rap). I react especially favorable to gifts of music… personalized mixed tapes in particular.

2. Must love animals, come on, unless you’re severely allergic, you better have a pet or I won’t date you.

3. Must read. Something. I don’t care what you read, but there better be a few favorites you can tell me about when I ask.

4. I won’t make the mistake of introducing anyone other than a committed partner/boyfriend to my daughter ever again. You don’t get the chance to break her heart.

5. Must not break more dates than you show up for, especially booty calls. I have a black book full of men who have given me amazing orgasms so I’ll definitely call one of them next time if your lack of skills in the female orgasm or your constant breaking of dates leaves me dissatisfied. Only my boyfriend gets a second chance.

And, now it’s time for a little GD…

All You’ll Be You Are Today

RIP Chris Cornell… 

Dark as roses
Fine as sand
Feel your healing
And your sting again
Hear you laughing
And my soul is saved
On forgotten graves you cry
Crawl like ivy
Up my spine
Through my nerves
And into my eyes
Cuts like anguish
Or recollections
Of better days gone by
But it’s all right
When you’re caught in pain
And you feel the rain come down
It’s all right
When you find you way 
Then you see it disappear
It’s all right
Though your garden’s gray
I know all your graces
Someday will flower
In a sweet sunshower
Eyes like oceans
So far away
A feather trail
To a better way
Worried mornings turn
Into days
Then into worried nights
But it’s all right
All you’ll be you are today


​”And now I’ve drawn closed the curtain
In this little booth
Where the truth has no place to stand
And I am feeling oh so powerless
With this useless little lever in my hand
And outside
My city is bracing
For the next killing thing
Standing by the bridge
And praying for the next Doctor Martin Luther King”