This Is Why…

For all of you who still question why I’m a devoted fan… #SupernaturalForever


I will find my own way out…

Sunday I saw my first Dave & Tim show… the Dave Matthews fans out there know what a treat that is, especially in a year that the full band is not touring. 

I’ve downloaded, and purchased, several live shows of Dave Matthews playing with Tim Reynolds so I knew it would be a bit milder than the 13 DMB concerts (yes, I realize that’s nothing to a true fan) that I’ve seen but it was really more than I expected. 

At a DMB concert I get lost in the music… There is absolutely nothing like it to me. 

I don’t know if it’s because Dave’s gotten me through so many difficult times in my life… or so many happy ones. My best memories are associated with Dave Matthews songs as are all my major relationships over the last 15 years… the one who died… the rebound man… the man who gave me my daughter… the man who tried to be a father to my daughter and failed… the man who tried to be my friend but I wouldn’t trust him… 

So many memories… so much time… so melodic a life…

Dave really is writing the soundtrack to my life. I’ve often felt connected to his music, both his words and melodies. Grey St and 41 and Dancing Nancies in particular…

“All the colors mix to grey…” 

and “I’ll go in this way and find my own way out…” 

and “Could I have been anyone other than me?”

When Leroy died and the band came out with the tribute album… and I listened to Dave put into words the grief and sadness he felt over his friend and mentor’s accidental death, I finally felt someone understood me. Not just about Dennis but about all the things I’ve lost of myself due to circumstances and coincidences of life. 

So last Sunday was magical. And more powerful than I expected of a Dave & Tim show especially with the line up of special guests who joined them on stage including Ben the Sax Guy… who held his own little concert after the show as concert goers walked to their cars and ubers.

I danced for almost three hours, barefoot in the grass, eyes closed, enjoying the sounds and smells so prominent when you are at a Dave concert… feeling the aches and pains that often accompany a night of unabashed abandon both in dancing and walking… the old friends you go with and the new friends you meet… it was, is, and will always be a spiritual mecca for me… 

For I will go in this way and find my own way out… always…

Set list from the show 😉

Trouble Ahead, Trouble Behind

… And you know that notion, just crossed my mind. (Casey Jones, GD)

I’ve been listening to the Dead for years and, almost 30 years later, I still remember the very first Grateful Dead song I heard.

I was at a local pool hall that served beer and allowed cute young girls to hang out and shoot pool as long as they stayed away from the bartenders. Which I did, mostly… 

Anyway, Casey Jones came across the loud speaker and I was entranced. Completely. I couldn’t move. 

My body was twisted tightly into the melodic jam of a band that I’d never heard before, but one I’d grown to love by the end of that song. 

I truly believe that there are two universal languages that cross all other language and cultural boundaries here on Earth… math and music. With music having the most enjoyable and deepest impact on most human beings… of course. 

I’ve recently met a man who is attentive and responsive and loves telling me how gorgeous I am, almost daily, and loves not only taking me out but making certain that when we stay in that it is still a date with some nice food and drink, some wonderful chats and massages, and just all around attentiveness.

When he comes over, it’s a stay home date not just a booty call. 

He is not poly, but loves that I am. He is very supportive and not at all jealous. He is not ready for a longterm commitment and in fact, was not even dating, until he met me. 

Or until I introduced myself anyway. 

I broke my rule of never saying hi first because there was just “something” about him. And I’m so glad I did. 

He communicates with me. He doesn’t lie or with hold his thoughts and feelings because he thinks I’m a fragile piece of glass that needs to be protected. He doesn’t avoid important conversations because he’s too much of a coward to tell me the truth. 

It’s very refreshing. Especially with what I’ve dealt with the last two months from men. They either show apathy or ownership. It’s nice to date someone who respects me… finally. 

So these are the new dating rules I’ve incorporated into my life… with his support and help, btw. 😉 

1. Must love music (except rap, it’s all degrading to women especially Christian Rap). I react especially favorable to gifts of music… personalized mixed tapes in particular. 

2. Must love animals, come on, unless you’re severely allergic, you better have a pet or I won’t date you. 

3. Must read. Something. I don’t care what you read, but there better be a few favorites you can tell me about when I ask. 

4. I won’t make the mistake of introducing anyone other than a committed partner/boyfriend to my daughter ever again. You don’t get the chance to break her heart. 

4. Must not break more dates than you show up for, especially booty calls. I have a black book full of men who have given me amazing orgasms so I’ll definitely call one of them next time if your lack of skills in the female orgasm or your constant breaking of dates leaves me dissatisfied. Only my boyfriend gets a second chance.  

And, now it’s time for a little GD…

All You’ll Be You Are Today

RIP Chris Cornell… 

Dark as roses
Fine as sand
Feel your healing
And your sting again
Hear you laughing
And my soul is saved
On forgotten graves you cry
Crawl like ivy
Up my spine
Through my nerves
And into my eyes
Cuts like anguish
Or recollections
Of better days gone by
But it’s all right
When you’re caught in pain
And you feel the rain come down
It’s all right
When you find you way 
Then you see it disappear
It’s all right
Though your garden’s gray
I know all your graces
Someday will flower
In a sweet sunshower
Eyes like oceans
So far away
A feather trail
To a better way
Worried mornings turn
Into days
Then into worried nights
But it’s all right
All you’ll be you are today


​”And now I’ve drawn closed the curtain
In this little booth
Where the truth has no place to stand
And I am feeling oh so powerless
With this useless little lever in my hand
And outside
My city is bracing
For the next killing thing
Standing by the bridge
And praying for the next Doctor Martin Luther King”

Sleepy Kitty 

I took this stupid Facebook quiz one time about which character from The Big Bang Theory I was most like… not something I usually do because those stupid quizzes are one of the main ways your Facebook accounts get hacked, if you didn’t already know.

Anyway, this quiz, surprisingly, at the time, pegged me as Sheldon.

Wait? What?

I mean, I knew I wasn’t Penny… maybe one of the other ladies from the show and/or Raj (except for the cooking thing).. but Sheldon?

It’s been a few weeks, at least, since I took that test and I’ve watched a couple TBBT throwback episodes since then and I can’t help but thinking, Sheldon and I may be more similar that I want to admit.

I don’t at all consent to the idea that my IQ and analytical skills are up in the same genius level category as Sheldon Cooper… but, I, uhm, see now, some other striking similarities.

1. The Spot – Although I won’t, intentionally, stand over you, making you uncomfortable, and repeat “You’re in my spot.” until you move… I’ve been told that I look very uncomfortable  when I don’t get to sit in one of my two spots in my living room and I most definitely FEEL uncomfortable if I’m not in one of them… but I will, try, to tolerate it for guests.

Oh, and after your 3rd visit to my house, you are no longer a guest… get your own drink, help yourself to food, do your laundry, and don’t sit in both my spots.

And yes, that’s the other difference, I have a new sofa, so both ends are still firm yet comfortable and away from the drafty windows… so TWO spots.

2. The Logical Mind – Again, not claiming to be a genius, but I chose computer programming for a reason… it was challenging yet something I was very good at, my brain kind of thinks in zeros and ones – either it is or it isn’t,  and I completely believe that there is an explaination, and a solution, for every possible problem. It just depends on whether the programmer wants to sink the required time in for the solution.

Of course, there are ways of making it worth her while… hint, hint…

And,  no, I’m not going to solve the mysteries of the universe using theoretical physics like Sheldon probably will… but my brain thinks like a computer, not fully capable of understanding social norms and definitely not able to make sense of them. It’s either right or it’s wrong. It’s either fair or it’s not.

Yes, I know shades of gray exist with human beings, but people are so much more complex than computers, which, again, boil it all down to zeros and ones. Every. Last. Thing.

3. The Social Awkwardness – Sheldon has this wonderfully humorous way of inserting his foot into his mouth and then looking around the room wondering what the heck everyone’s so appauled or confused by that he ponders it for days.

I don’t necessarily ponder how other people react to me anymore but unless I am in a safe place, with at least one other person I feel completely comfortable with, I suck at social interactions and at picking up on social cues… another Sheldon thing.

4. The love of the song “Soft Kitty” being sung to me when I am sick – this one speaks for itself, although I make an exception for Dani and sing it to her whenever she wants.

“Soft Kitty, Warm Kitty, Little Ball of Fur

Happy Kitty, Sleepy Kitty, Purr, Purr, Purr”