It’s one of those days.
The depression has been growing steadily the last 3 days, it’s that time in my cycle, and all I can say is “thankfully it’s a work from home day because I can’t do life today”.
I dropped my kid off at school today in a tye dye tee and yoga pants. And I’ve barely been able to move from the sofa since I got back. I think I ate once yesterday.
I’m really good about feeding my kid but when the depression hits, I forget to eat anything myself.
I canceled my lunch date and my dentist appointment, but I don’t even have the energy to tell either of them that I canceled.
There are no lights on in the house, the curtains are closed, the TV is off, the only light is the glare of my computer as I’m logged in to work.
But I can’t concentrate on work.
The only noise is the constant tumbling of rocks in our rock tumbler that’s been running for 5 days… and which will run for 15 more.
Eeyore is, and always has been, my true spirit animal.
I’m just glad I have one or two friends who love me in spite of it.
Over the last seven months I have been learning about different kinds of relationships. For most of my life people have seemed to be forced into these life-long monogamous relationships, when, truth be told, very few human beings actually mate for life.
Only once in my life have I ever been in a monogamous relationship that I expected to last a lifetime… everything else has always been just for now. I have a real huge problem with commitment… but, you know, that happens when a lifemate dies.
Anyway, this other relationship style I have been exploring is called polyamory. There are some amazingly obvious benefits that I have found to poly relationships over mono relationships… I’ll share those with you below.
But I want to stress that all relationships have adjustment periods and problems. And all relationships have difficult times as well as spectacular ones… or at least they should.
So go forth and love… whomever and as many as you want because life is just painful sometimes and we need all the love we can get.
Some of the benefits I have found to being poly…
- You don’t have to depend on one person for everything you need. You can have the asexual friend whose shoulder you cry on and the sexy, hot lover that you explore your most intimate desires with. You can have life-partners, both sexual and asexual, with whom you raise children with… or not. You can have someone to go out and dance/drink with when your primary partner prefers to stay home or go to quiet places.
- Poly relationships STRESS communication and transparency as the number one rule. Being an ethical slut is of utmost importance at all times. And thus, the openness to accept others feelings, needs (both emotional and sexual), and situations is also of utmost importance. No one should ever be in the dark or be made a fool of. So… when a poly sexual relationship ends… usually a very strong friendship is born. If both the above rules are followed, a deep friendship is all that can truly result from a poly relationship ending… it never really ends, it just grows into something else. (And sex is never really, ever, ‘off’ the table.)
- And, because in poly you have opened yourself up to love from many, you will always have a loving shoulder to cry on and a comforting embrace to feel safe in.
Some helpful resources on Poly-amorous Relationships:
The Ethical Slut
More Than Two
More Than Two
Original Post – http://wp.me/p1F9Sy-3D
A group of friends was discussing how supportive their long term mates have been and how lucky they were to have someone like their mates to grow old with.
I wish I could believe that a relationship like that was possible for me but I have so many trust issues with my heart that were only intensified by having a child. Now not only do I have to worry about someone breaking my heart, I have to worry about someone breaking my daughter’s heart too. And his god better protect him if he does hurt my daughter because I will make sure he rues the day he met me.
And aside from countless men who have played with and stepped on my heart, the one man I finally did commit to died of a heart attack 3 weeks after proposing. So, I may be scarred for life.
BUT, no fear… I am actually very comfortable knowing that when I am in a sexual relationship that it isn’t forever… it is just for right now. And I have tons of really great friends (male and female) that I know will be companions for life.
And I have a life mate in a close platonic female friend (she knows everything about me) and when Dani graduates college (if she goes) I will be selling my house and moving to wherever this close friend of mine is because she is the one I want to grow old with.
So I sort of see this friend as you ladies seem to see your husbands (only maybe you have sex? lol).
And I know it is a tough concept but I don’t feel anymore that I have to love one person forever… I have loved many (men and women) and I will love many more.
But I don’t ever expect to marry until I am dying… and only because I don’t want my daughter to have to sign off on the DNR.
You know, I’ve spent the last 11 years hearing that divorce is the same as loosing your spouse to death.
Imagine going through a divorce at the same exact moment that both your best friend and your mom died.
Then… maybe… you’ll understand.
Eleven years ago, in about 12 hours, I watched the man I loved, and had agreed to marry, die on my living room floor.
Some years this anniversary is better than others, this is not one of those years. Maybe because the time line is accurate, it occurred late on a Sunday night. It just feels like I’m reliving the experience over again.
The memories are no longer vivid but the pain still resides. I don’t think about him everyday anymore, I mostly save my grief for this week every year.
Not on purpose. It’s just what’s happened after years of healing and therapy.
In fact some years I don’t even realize where the depression comes from until the eve of his death is upon me. My body remembers even if my brain has blocked it.
But today is bad. And I’m going to get through it anyway I can, even if I just want to spend the day under the covers.
Mostly by hugging my daughter. It was her love, and my love for her, that finally shrunk the hole in my heart left from Dennis. And it is her love and life that keeps me moving forward everyday.
Dennis, you’ll always be in my heart.
February 14, 1971 – January 9, 2006