I will find my own way out…

Sunday I saw my first Dave & Tim show… the Dave Matthews fans out there know what a treat that is, especially in a year that the full band is not touring. 

I’ve downloaded, and purchased, several live shows of Dave Matthews playing with Tim Reynolds so I knew it would be a bit milder than the 13 DMB concerts (yes, I realize that’s nothing to a true fan) that I’ve seen but it was really more than I expected. 

At a DMB concert I get lost in the music… There is absolutely nothing like it to me. 

I don’t know if it’s because Dave’s gotten me through so many difficult times in my life… or so many happy ones. My best memories are associated with Dave Matthews songs as are all my major relationships over the last 15 years… the one who died… the rebound man… the man who gave me my daughter… the man who tried to be a father to my daughter and failed… the man who tried to be my friend but I wouldn’t trust him… 

So many memories… so much time… so melodic a life…

Dave really is writing the soundtrack to my life. I’ve often felt connected to his music, both his words and melodies. Grey St and 41 and Dancing Nancies in particular…

“All the colors mix to grey…” 

and “I’ll go in this way and find my own way out…” 

and “Could I have been anyone other than me?”

When Leroy died and the band came out with the tribute album… and I listened to Dave put into words the grief and sadness he felt over his friend and mentor’s accidental death, I finally felt someone understood me. Not just about Dennis but about all the things I’ve lost of myself due to circumstances and coincidences of life. 

So last Sunday was magical. And more powerful than I expected of a Dave & Tim show especially with the line up of special guests who joined them on stage including Ben the Sax Guy… who held his own little concert after the show as concert goers walked to their cars and ubers.

I danced for almost three hours, barefoot in the grass, eyes closed, enjoying the sounds and smells so prominent when you are at a Dave concert… feeling the aches and pains that often accompany a night of unabashed abandon both in dancing and walking… the old friends you go with and the new friends you meet… it was, is, and will always be a spiritual mecca for me… 

For I will go in this way and find my own way out… always…

Set list from the show 😉

Promises

I know I promised you some juicy dating stories but tonight’s story is really about something I’ve only just realized about myself. 

I suck at communication with human beings. 

Seriously. I’m terrible at it.

So many times, things I say are misinterpreted and, especially my texts, leave the reciprocant in a quandary as to what I meant. And if I don’t add a smile, I get called bitchy. 

I’m quite proficient at communicating with computers, though… they’re really very simple in the fact that they only understand two things… OFF and ON. 

And that’s really kind of how my brain works too. 

The signal is either OFF or ON. When it’s between, or not specifically OFF or ON, my brain enters flight or fight mode and, much like a computer, starts sending inappropriate messages and erroring out.

Maybe it’s a personality disorder. Maybe it’s the PMDD, PTSD, and OCD. Maybe my brain only understands clear messages and not mixed ones. 

It sends my brain into emotional turmoil that is like a boulder traveling at massive speeds down an alpine slope only to crash and explode into millions of tiny pieces as it slams against a tree… unable to put itself back again. 

Full of unstoppable anxiety that usually ends in a full fledged panic attack. 

Either way… I truly suck at communication with human beings. Almost all of them. 

My real friends understand that I’m sick. And that I have almost no social skills. 

And that anytime I’m not at home, or in a couple of close friend’s houses, I’m experiencing anxiety. Sometimes debilitating. 

And I’m sorry to all I’ve afflicted. 

Letting Go

Another important aspect to recognize about letting go is that it’s not the same as forgiving someone who has wronged you. Forgiveness is an important aspect of wholehearted living, and it’s separate from letting go of attachments that keep you from becoming the incredible individual the world needs you to be.”

https://tinybuddha.com/blog/how-to-move-on-from-the-past-what-it-really-means-to-let-go/

How I Like My Sex

Several years ago a movie came out that changed my life… and, don’t laugh… that movie was The Runaway Bride with Julia Roberts.

I know, I know… it’s stupidly silly and overly dramatic but it had one really good point… that the female main character didn’t have any idea what she liked (to eat, to do, to watch) because she had never taken the time to figure it out, she’d always just gone along with what the people in her life told her she liked… especially the men.

And THIS is the story of my life.

But after watching this movie,  I realized that I, like Julia Roberts’ character, had no idea how I liked my eggs… or anything else for that matter… and that it was time for me to figure it out.

And, after this movie, things definitely changed.

Only a little bit at first… I tried every way I could possibly think of to eat eggs and I eventually figured out how I really like them (scrambled with cheese and hot sauce or over easy with toast for dipping, also with hot sauce)… and, although it’s taken me a few more years, I’ve come to realize that I should incorporate these same methods into figuring out how I like my sex as well.

So, here I am… moving past the days of sex being about whether or not the man I am with orgasms and into the days where it’s all about how much pleasure I can experience.

Now, don’t get me wrong, it is not all about me… I am GGG all the way… it’s just now I’m making sure that it’s at least partially about my pleasure as well.

Please wish me luck… and lots fun… because if I don’t take care of my own needs, who will!

Love Doesn’t Have to Work Like That

I’m not sure exactly where human beings started putting restraints on romantic love… well, I guess they always have… even in parental love, the “bad ones” sometimes have conditions for their love…

So, why can’t we, the “good lovers” just think about romantic love the same way we do parental love?

As in, our love for our child/children only grows with the addition of another child… there are no limits to how many of our own children we can love… so why put this limit on other types of love?

Well, really we don’t… we only put those restrictions on one type… romantic love.

How many best friends do you have? If you are like me, you have a few people in your life who keep you grounded… and they are all your “best” friends…

So why is romantic love the only love we put this “I can only love one person this way at any given time” kind of restriction on?

Because it’s not true… we can love more than one person romantically.

I will always love Dennis. No one can or will ever replace that.

But my love for Dennis doesn’t nullify the love I still feel for several of my ex-romantic partners… nor does it deter the love I feel for one or two of my current romantic partners…

Now THAT’s the way love works.

The limits of how many other persons one person can love is infinite… times infinity…