Trouble Ahead, Trouble Behind

… And you know that notion, just crossed my mind. (Casey Jones, GD)

I’ve been listening to the Dead for years and, almost 30 years later, I still remember the very first Grateful Dead song I heard.

I was at a local pool hall that served beer and allowed cute young girls to hang out and shoot pool as long as they stayed away from the bartenders. Which I did, mostly… 

Anyway, Casey Jones came across the loud speaker and I was entranced. Completely. I couldn’t move. 

My body was twisted tightly into the melodic jam of a band that I’d never heard before, but one I’d grown to love by the end of that song. 

I truly believe that there are two universal languages that cross all other language and cultural boundaries here on Earth… math and music. With music having the most enjoyable and deepest impact on most human beings… of course. 

I’ve recently met a man who is attentive and responsive and loves telling me how gorgeous I am, almost daily, and loves not only taking me out but making certain that when we stay in that it is still a date with some nice food and drink, some wonderful chats and massages, and just all around attentiveness.

When he comes over, it’s a stay home date not just a booty call. 

He is not poly, but loves that I am. He is very supportive and not at all jealous. He is not ready for a longterm commitment and in fact, was not even dating, until he met me. 

Or until I introduced myself anyway. 

I broke my rule of never saying hi first because there was just “something” about him. And I’m so glad I did. 

He communicates with me. He doesn’t lie or with hold his thoughts and feelings because he thinks I’m a fragile piece of glass that needs to be protected. He doesn’t avoid important conversations because he’s too much of a coward to tell me the truth. 

It’s very refreshing. Especially with what I’ve dealt with the last two months from men. They either show apathy or ownership. It’s nice to date someone who respects me… finally. 

So these are the new dating rules I’ve incorporated into my life… with his support and help, btw. đŸ˜‰ 

1. Must love music (except rap, it’s all degrading to women especially Christian Rap). I react especially favorable to gifts of music… personalized mixed tapes in particular. 

2. Must love animals, come on, unless you’re severely allergic, you better have a pet or I won’t date you. 

3. Must read. Something. I don’t care what you read, but there better be a few favorites you can tell me about when I ask. 

4. I won’t make the mistake of introducing anyone other than a committed partner/boyfriend to my daughter ever again. You don’t get the chance to break her heart. 

4. Must not break more dates than you show up for, especially booty calls. I have a black book full of men who have given me amazing orgasms so I’ll definitely call one of them next time if your lack of skills in the female orgasm or your constant breaking of dates leaves me dissatisfied. Only my boyfriend gets a second chance.  

And, now it’s time for a little GD…

Promises

I know I promised you some juicy dating stories but tonight’s story is really about something I’ve only just realized about myself. 

I suck at communication with human beings. 

Seriously. I’m terrible at it.

So many times, things I say are misinterpreted and, especially my texts, leave the reciprocant in a quandary as to what I meant. And if I don’t add a smile, I get called bitchy. 

I’m quite proficient at communicating with computers, though… they’re really very simple in the fact that they only understand two things… OFF and ON. 

And that’s really kind of how my brain works too. 

The signal is either OFF or ON. When it’s between, or not specifically OFF or ON, my brain enters flight or fight mode and, much like a computer, starts sending inappropriate messages and erroring out.

Maybe it’s a personality disorder. Maybe it’s the PMDD, PTSD, and OCD. Maybe my brain only understands clear messages and not mixed ones. 

It sends my brain into emotional turmoil that is like a boulder traveling at massive speeds down an alpine slope only to crash and explode into millions of tiny pieces as it slams against a tree… unable to put itself back again. 

Full of unstoppable anxiety that usually ends in a full fledged panic attack. 

Either way… I truly suck at communication with human beings. Almost all of them. 

My real friends understand that I’m sick. And that I have almost no social skills. 

And that anytime I’m not at home, or in a couple of close friend’s houses, I’m experiencing anxiety. Sometimes debilitating. 

And I’m sorry to all I’ve afflicted. 

An Experiment 

I’m going to conduct a little experiment… a dating experiment. This may also help me increase my dic pic collection too, because I’m hoping to publish that coffee table book someday. 

I’ve always had a rule that men don’t end up here, until I’ve realized that the “relationship” is over. I use that term very lightly. 

Those are the posts that get the most traffic here… my dating horror stories. So I’ve changed up my online dating profiles to “Casual Sex” and bought out the local 7 eleven of condoms. (Can you believe I can use my flex card for all the condoms in the world, but I can’t buy a single tampon with it?)

So if you really want to know what dating as a single mom is like, stay tuned. I’ve got lots of stories for you. 

And maybe I’ll soon have enough dic pics to get that photo book published after all…

All You’ll Be You Are Today

RIP Chris Cornell… 

Dark as roses
Fine as sand
Feel your healing
And your sting again
Hear you laughing
And my soul is saved
On forgotten graves you cry
Crawl like ivy
Up my spine
Through my nerves
And into my eyes
Cuts like anguish
Or recollections
Of better days gone by
But it’s all right
When you’re caught in pain
And you feel the rain come down
It’s all right
When you find you way 
Then you see it disappear
It’s all right
Though your garden’s gray
I know all your graces
Someday will flower
In a sweet sunshower
Eyes like oceans
So far away
A feather trail
To a better way
Worried mornings turn
Into days
Then into worried nights
But it’s all right
All you’ll be you are today

#9 Always Be a Priority

10 Facts Every Woman Should Know:

1. Everyone has rolls when they bend over.

2. When someone tells you that you’re beautiful, believe them. They aren’t lying.

3. Sometimes we all wake up with breath that could kill a goat.

4. For every woman unhappy with her stretch marks is another woman who wishes she had them.

5. You should definitely have more confidence. And if you saw yourself the way others see you, you would.

6. Don’t look for a man to save you. Be able to save yourself.

7. It’s okay to not love every part of your body….but you should.

8. We all have that one friend who seems to have it all together. That woman with the seemingly perfect life. Well, you might be that woman to someone else.

9. You should be a priority. Not an option, a last resort, or a backup plan.

10. You’re a woman. That alone makes you pretty damn remarkable.

Photo and words by Mary L. Leonard

AGAIN…#9 because it is super important!

You should be a PRIORITY. Not an option, a last resort, or a backup plan.

Letting Go

Another important aspect to recognize about letting go is that it’s not the same as forgiving someone who has wronged you. Forgiveness is an important aspect of wholehearted living, and it’s separate from letting go of attachments that keep you from becoming the incredible individual the world needs you to be.”

https://tinybuddha.com/blog/how-to-move-on-from-the-past-what-it-really-means-to-let-go/